| sucksss |
[17 Dec 2005|06:00pm] |
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mood |
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so umm yeah everything around has totally lost its meaning. so much CRAP GOING ON ON!!!!! nothing you can really do about it so it sucks. not only are there problems but the person i thought was closest to me is so distant. in so many ways. i'm not mad at all, it's just that i don't think tings are going to get better. best friends... uhhh. i don't think i believe in them anymore. i quit, lol. don't quit so much but i kinda give up on things, such as trying to make everything perfect when in the end it never is. so tommarow i go to orlando. time away from everything and give me time to think about crappp.
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| long time no post! |
[17 Sep 2005|10:00am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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well hmmm... i's been a while since i've posted and alot has gone on since then. well my step mother is driving me CRAZY i can't wait to leave. My parent are also moving to a smaller house in keystone lakes because my father is getting old and doesn't want to pay for a big house anymore which is understandable.hmmm... matt likes me alot and things are totally amazing with him! at the same time i kinda dont want to get seriouse because i duhno i'm so young. well my brother is getting MARRIED today... i'm sorta sad because he's just my brother and stuff you know. loni's coming too which is flipping RAD!!! So yeah i got a flipping IPOD niccah eff yes! and i'm always listening to it!!!so yeah.... i guess i'll make it sweet and short... later
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| It Is FRIDAY!!!! |
[12 Aug 2005|08:05pm] |
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so the first week of school is FINISHED>. it semmed really long for me and i have a ton of homework for the weekend. i just woke up from a nap actually becaused i was exhausted out of my mind!!!!!School is actually pretty ok... i mean i hate it but it could be worse. the twins are in my two ap classes thanks god so i have good study buddies and they live close to. we always talk in clas and they are COOL!. i want my daddy to get my ipod so freaging bad!all i want i to listen to music.
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| SO PISSED!! |
[28 Jul 2005|10:17am] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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I HATE HYPOCRITE
I HATE PEOPLE WHO GOSSIP
I HATE PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY'RE BETTER THEN OTHER PEOPLE
IT NEVER SEEMS TO PHASE ME HOW DUMB AND DISRESPECTFUL CAN BE
ALL I CAN SAY IS IT'S A FREAKING SHAME AND GET A LIFE
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| mixed feelings |
[22 Jul 2005|11:22am] |
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mood |
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i'm sick man. does that suck or does that suck??? well hmmm... yesturday i felt super depressed! i felt the lonleyest i've ever felt in my whole entire life.there's no one for me when i want that boyfriend like talk or just know i make someone happy. i run from the thing i want most and i want to stay as far from a relationshp that i can, but there are still desires. for example i loved how nice glenn was to me on the cruise and the way he made me feel. such an unfamiliar feeling because i haven't really talked to anyone. the times when i wish i could hug or kiss someone with out it just being a hook up! i want it all to have more meaning. there's probably options open, but i refuse to take them because i want someone who i won't get tired of. i have major issues when it come to relationships and i'm beggining not to like some of those tings. saying i love u isn't a big deal to many people, but to me it's the end of my world. if i say or feel it i feel like i'm allowing room for me to be hurt. being hurt by someone you care about sucks, the only thing is that i need to face it. the way i get tired of people really bugs me too. i guess i need to find someone who i wont get bored of and can give me the pacience needed to do so. maybe finding a guy is not my problem. i'm really strating to think that the problem lies in me. well yeah i saw jamine and ethan yesturday.i gave ethan the keyring we bought for him in th keys. he liked it alot. really cute haha. jamine looked nice and i gave him a big hug and told him i missed and loved him. i've never ment it as much as i did then. today i felt sick and i woke up at 6 am thanks to my mom. did notes and hung out with chris and justin. we went for lunch at chilis which was really good! then to target to get the HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS and THE ALL AMERICAN REJECTS cd ♥ which totally rocks! i ended up going back to their house and hanging out. then chris dropped me of later. ethan was supposed to hang out with me but he ditched me for tressa and alex :-/, but he ended up comming over for 30 minutes.i couldn't stop telling jamine how much i missed and loved him. i only want the best for him and i worry about him. later her left me a comment on myspace saying how much he missed hanging out and how he took it for granted and how he's happy to have a friend like me. i almost cried when i read it. the person who i'm concerned about the most is consoling in me, it hit really deep!i felt like the bestest friend i could be to someone and i appreciated those words. jamines an awesome kid at heart and i'm happy i had met someone like that. ethan and i are not as close at me and jamine, but when we have a conversation it's a good one. i really like ethan too so i'm glad our friendship is building up. lonis over here. shes takeing care of me :-). couldnt ask for a better friend. sometimes i wonder if i'm as good as a freind as people are to me? i get mean and pissy sometimes and i feel like such a bad friend.i hope i'm somewhat decent because they all help me through my drama.today i missed uncle frank so much and i almost started crying but loni was like no sam don't. i'll never forget when mr.b took the funeral picture i had with his pic on it and i almost strated crying, the look on his face was so wierd, he never realized what he was doing. i was so pist that he did that but i knew he was sorry. man this is a long entry lol.i talked to loni because i felt bad for being so mean to brett and i couldnt stop thinking about it. she told me he was like your friends a bitch!. dude i felt so bad. i apologized to him. i can't explain the wierd feelings i get. alot was running through my mind that day i though about jr, siedah might having cancer, and just stuff and i felt sad and easily annoyed . the wierd thing is that i can't stay mad at anyone for crap and i felt really bad. there's nothing else i can say to him. he wouldn't understand anyway. i'm way to complicated. i just hate when people think i'm a bitch. it gets me mad and i can't stop thinking about it. glenn called me today and we talked for a bit he's a cool kid, i really like him dude.
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| awesome |
[19 Jul 2005|11:54am] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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dude the cruise was so so awesome!!! i loved it man. we met some of the coolest people and we met alot of freagin people. loni and i will deff never forget that and put it in our book of memories. between the late nights on the 8th floor and all those cool crazy kids we hung out with i couldn't ask for better. not to mention i met the hottest gay guy ever!!!!! and this really cool kid named brett who was totally awesome. i sure do miss that cruise and i'm supposed to go on another one with chris in may and my mom may not come lol oh snap we are going to be trouble thats my big brother/one of my partners in crime. its going to rock i'm sure loni or one of the other girls will come so it's not just me alone on the cruise with the boys. but yes yes we'll see what goes down... i suggest everyone go on a cruise because i garentee u will have an amazing time. check out the pictures
PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES!!!!....
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[13 Jul 2005|11:21pm] |
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so i got new hair dorcas works magic
( Before & After )
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| updating |
[12 Jul 2005|12:29am] |
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so im updating because i havent in forever. so hmm i hanging out and doing work :-( booo i hate the damn work i have to do for these ap classes. so yea the cruise is in a few days and leieve me im siked dude!!!! its going to be great homie!!RIP AND DIP ;-)good times good times. loni and i are going to have agreat time.i went to orlando for the weekend nd it was pretty cool. her house is l ike mtv cribs style. prajection screen tv, 3 tvs in one room, 3 shower heads in one shower.... pretty cool. my sister is so different. we dont have a sister sister relationship its kinda like mother daughter because shes like 35 and i'm 16 . so im out homie
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| hahahahaha |
[24 Jun 2005|02:24pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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so im at my moms job waiting for her to finish so we can leave nd go to my moms house so i can get my books for ap and finish up some of my notes so i wont have to worry about it over the cruise!!! cant wait its going to be freaking amazing dude and loni and i are going to have a blast blast blast. lately i've been sleeping alot later then i usually do waking up at 12 and 1 i freaking love it because i can never sleep in!!!!! so yeah i got my skimboard so im going to be hitting up the beach and skim it up.
:-) yeah yeahy, lol. so yes yes hmm i dont really have to much to update so whatever call me, so we can go to the beach homie homie
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| summer '05 |
[20 Jun 2005|12:26pm] |
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mood |
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 relaxed |
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this summer has been been both the worst and best summer of my life. worst because i've been having lots of family problems that have put a big stress on me and is causing me more pain then anything else in my life so far has brought me. it's been the best summer too though. i've had alot of fun and have been doing almost everything i've wanted to do.it's funny how thing change in time. every summer it seems to me like i watch the whole season of dawsons creek again and each time i watch it i feel a different way about it. Something so little can trigger so much emotion.. its so wierd. i'll continue to watch dawsons creek the way i always do, like i've never seen it before. loni and i got cought sneeking out and we didn't get in trouble!!!! sweet lol. skills my friend skill. never forget that dude. this summer there's no one there unlike every other summer. there was john, but i just don't want it anymore. it makes no sense. he's one of the best guys i know too. it's jus that there's nothing there anymore for me. i don't feel like dating at aall.. so over it because all recent relationships i've had have failed!!! and i'm giving up for now. i'm only 16 and there's so much time ahead of me. there is someone i'm slightly into and his name is dorian. not going to rushing into anything with him because he's so much diferent then other guys that i've liked or dated. we went to the movies one night and he didn't try anything what so ever. it kinda sucked in a way because i kinda wanted him to hold my hand, at the same time i'm happy he didn't do it. everything happens for a reason! the fact that he hasn't called me alot or tryed anything on me can be because he doesn't like me which is ok or just becuase he wants to take things slow. and taking things slow sounds like the best thing for me right now. i ♥ summer and it has been great so far. alot of friendship bonding between loni and i. loni's growing up, not inoccent loni anymore not saying she's bad, but the way i look at her has changed so much. either way she's great! haha. well i posted ok... later
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| sucks |
[01 Jun 2005|02:28pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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last night was terrible. i felt so dipressed ad agrivated with everything. watching the o.c made it that much worse cause it was a depressing empisode :-/.when things seem to be good thi8ngs go back to being completly terrible in a matter of days. theres loni and loni and my two dads that help but as for everyone else theres really no one. john used to be my right handman and i dont even talk to him anymore. i was thinking about how he hasnt even left for class and we havent talked imagain what it will be like when he's gone. it could be good it could be bad, but it sucks for sure! i miss the long deep conversations at night and the warm hugs that make u melt. its all gone. no ones there, there's dorian but i dont even know what he thinks and stuff plus the fact that we still dont even know each other that well. at home i feel under pressure to be the perfectkid but still i always do something wrong as in every other day. i feel like i cant please anyone anymore, not even myself. half the things i used to be whole hearted for are slipping away slowly but surely. why can things be simple anmore. everythings so complex and there's always big problems i'm dealing with. im in a battle against myself and my emotions are running dry. i sit in my room and listen to music, do work, and dwell on everything. all the bad tings people say about me all the stupid things i've done and all the stresses of life. being 16 is not that grea it kinda sucks actually. i just want out of everything! and just go back to when my life wasnt so bad. i know i sound so selfish right now but i do appreciate all my friends and my parents and al they do for me, but my step mom ehhh... she drives me freaking crazy dude. it sucks when u cant stand be around someone for more then two days when they just want to be ur best friend. how terrible. obviosly u can tell tings aent going so great with her and my dadd assures me things wil be o.k. i feel bad for my daddy cause all he does is put up with all our shit and one day he's just going to drop dead from the stress and my life wuld end right there. i love him even though sometimes we have our dissagreaments but all he does is try to help and all i do is listen and get mad and cry. its like a weakly thing.i wish things would get better for everyone living under the same roof as me! i want us to be a big happy family. with my step mom i dont see that happening the women is great but theres too many things going on in her head for her even to grasp what shes doing to everyone else. i hate it. summers comming and i shall be going to my moms i need space away from here
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| sitting here |
[22 May 2005|06:29pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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so since everythings happened i feel no better and i feel no worse. kinda like im falling thrue a bottomless pit off emotions running in every direction possible. friday nigt was probably the most fun i've had recently. i went to boomers and rode the blender played lazer tag n went on go carts and won a millions tickets and got a whole bunch of prizes all for the cost of 7.00 since this guy who worked there hooked us up. it was great. last night my parents had some of their people over so i hung out with mishka n watched the o.c since i never watched it thursday, and wow that episode was deep. triggered some sort of emotion in me because i felt wierd after. i was alreadythinking about donnie so it kinda added on to that and it was such an indiscribable feeling. i didnt like it at all because i felt like i wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. two compete and total opposites.i went to my brothers house and spent the night which was cool i watched the john mayer concert and layed there thinking about everything that has gone on and dwelled on it as i always do then fell asleep. today i went to micheals socor game and hung out for a while and ate. now i am home by myself since my dad is doing "buisness" lol i still miss donnie but at the same time i'm getting over it as time goes by. summers comming up really soon so i'll be good since i wont have any of this to worr about just me the beach my friends and my skimboard. later dudes
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| fuck this |
[17 May 2005|06:00pm] |
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i got dumped.. i knew it i fucking knew it!!! i officially give up
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| im raps MVP |
[17 May 2005|05:48pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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so .. after yesturday thing seem even more strange. donnie read my last entry not that i care cause im happy he knows i want to be open him, but i feel like he's in doubt. i managed to ef things up even more which i never fail to do.. i dont want donnie to doubt me n him. i want him i want to be with him u know. n this is the last thing i need. f we brake up over this whole thing i'm not gonna go out with anyone for a super super long time, cause it seems like the best things wont even work. i'll give up n just wait for something good to come along. hopefully that i wont happen im really hopping cause i really like donnie now n i would be pissed off. ehh.. so out of it dude!!!!
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| long tim no update |
[16 May 2005|04:11pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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so lately i've been lazy on updating sorry.. things right now are pretty ok/good. i'm 16 as of saturday :-)!!!! and i didnt do crap either that was the lame part but whatever sunday was good the whole crew came over n we videotaped my spanish project.. FRIGGIN HILARIOUS.. dude. it was fun lots of fun actually n after we ate tacos n rice krispy treats then watched meet the fockers n drank pina coladas yum.... i'm 16 now n it was like my dream to be 16 when i was younger n i dont feel any different same stupid silly ol imperfect me. i feel bad though... feel bad because i feel i've let two people down john n miguel. i care about both of them u know n especiall john u know we had this summer all planned out, but i kinda threw a twist in it n miguel thinks i'm fucked up for things with donnie. IM FREAKING SORRY that things worked out the way they did n i for once like someone who's not leaving me or just wants to get some. everyone wants a sometone but i feel so torn between more then one person. like john i LOVE john to death but he's leaving n i can become attatched to someone whos moving to virginia u know n miguel he's just different i cant see myself with him u know n how am i going to be with someone if i can't even picture us together. i would just be playing games n no one likes to have games played on them. u know. either way i seemed to dissapoint someone. i dont know how to feel im happy but i feel like im so effed up. what to do what not to do??? the school year is drawing to an end n these are going to be the last few months i'll be with mr john garcia. :-/ i'm going to cry n miss him so! much. ehhh... well i may get my moms car soon its a 1998 mercedes c230 not mypick of cars but hey its a car n thats what i care about, so i will be at the beach like a mother!!! lol. i miss loni even though i just saw her yesturday. im in need of one of those deep talks u know. so i can get it all out with the only person who truly understands me well n siedah. blah. i in a sucky wierd good mood
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| FLIPPIN SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[04 May 2005|04:15pm] |
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mood |
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excited |
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donnie talked to me for the first time today n asked me for my number... nigga what i'm so happy
5 cool points for sam
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| just felt like putting my 2 cents in |
[03 May 2005|05:13pm] |
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mood |
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crazy |
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life now seems so strange. i feel like since sean i'm not the same person i once was u know. i'm happy but not as happy as how i once was. i feel like i dont have any emotions like nothing matters anymore besides school u know. i have new friends like alex n my stoners n just a slew of other ppl but it just is i duhno. at school i laugh n am a hyper mess but i have no other way to express myself then to laugh. n then problems arize n there goes all the tears that i refuse to shed when the time right. i think my pride wont allow me to do alot of stuff. i have too much effin pride sometimes. well whatever the not so depressing part. my mom likes alex :-) yeah!!!! so happy dude. now she can come over more often u know. I LOVE LONI BROOKE MCWILLIAMS. lol i think the whole world should know. ;-). this saturday night im going to nicks house to spend the night! so exited cause it will be the first time we hang out n then we get johns gift on sunday nigga what. cant wait. n summer is comming up along with my birthday BITCHES!!! so flipping exited on interums i have a B in biology; A in Geometry; B+ Spanish 3; B psat :-) nigga what nigga what what.. sams on the ball n i should be getting straight a's by the time the school year ends :-) :-) that would make me more happier. what a nerd. so blah... this friday i want to go to chilis withthe nigs! n dillon n maybe drew will come. drews not mad at me anymore :-) i really didmt vare but just the fact that he's not mad at me makes me feel better ha ha so im out g skillets
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| its been a while |
[29 Apr 2005|09:11am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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so i'm over the whole lj updating thing.. i've been way too lazy to look at it or update... so this weekend is supposed to be a hell of alot better then last weekend since i did nothing. went to the grocery store last night cause at my moms house there is no damn food n i got 12 dannon yogurts niccah!!! they are so effing good n im addicted. lol. wow im talking about flippin yogurt. so nuthin new has gone on, aside from the fact that i think this kid donnie at my school looks totally amazing. they kid is so cute, but then again i'm known for having bad taste so whatever.my dads moving to pines west meeting so it should be better for me which im so happy for. today n j r going to hang out hell yeah!!! imma miss him when he leaves but whatever i'll get over it.
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cut3stshawtii88's journal
